michelle

gaps in, gaps out

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 03:37:03 GMT

I am getting tired of being alone. I know I can make someone out there happy, and I wish there was someone that could just give me a try for once. I have been keeping myself so very busy these past few weeks and I have started to realize I will be fine without you, that distance has covered over my once stinging wounds. The thought that I am so powerful and self sufficient scares me, knowing that when I fall next, there is not going to be a person like you to catch me. I guess I have come to understand that its no use relying on someone who loves themselves far too much to understand the fragility of loving others. I also have come to appreciate that everything happens for a reason, I really believe the pain you have caused me has helped me identify with myself on a much deeper spiritual level then I could have ever imagined a year ago. So maybe I am not so much "tired" of being alone as I am empowered by my solitude, gratified by the fact I have become closer with my friends, that I have had a chance to explore my heart, that you haven't beaten me this last and grueling time. I think my frustration is just self doubt transforming into confidence, realizing that I would rather stand tall alone then settle for someone else whos main agenda is all about self accomodation, know what I mean?

back to schooling.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 00:10:44 GMT

im back at college, which means im back to writing in my college journal- georgian_centen
add it, read it, blahblahhhh. xo

miracles are happening in this town

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:44:52 GMT

I cant even believe you are back in this city. A few days ago I wrote words that I wished could reach you, but felt never would- and here you are in my arms. This city has literally set itself on fire, my heart is pacing itself but I catch it jumping ahead every now and then just thinking about how great you are. It is like the first time I fell in love with you, multiplied and absolutely perfect. I don't know where we go from here, I dont know my up from down and I have certainly not prepared for this, but I am so happy that words are falling short of doing it justice. Lets dance, and hold on to each other and let these moments stand perfectly still. There are times we believe will never end, and of course we are foolish to think this way, but here we are in one of those moments and I am ready to let you change my perception of time and space. In this moment, it feels like forever and I know we both like it that way.

analogue

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 05:15:44 GMT

my feelings are so raw this autumn and i cant control the constant tide of my emotions. i catch myself hoping for your misfortune so that i may profit from your loss, and i realize the truth of solitude, just as i long for the comfort it brings. i am refreshed being back in this city, but i am scared that wishing isnt enough to bring you back, and i know that i havent become strong enough to be my own person without you here. there are moments that i wish i could remember, where everything was perfect and we were not in so much danger. there were moments i thought we would never collapse, that i wouldnt let me fail myself, but i must admit i have done nothing but fail, and it stings so bad. i religiously watch the clock, as my days seem to become shorter, as time seems to speed up, although my days are not advancing, my distant gaps and dreams and hopes seem to keep sliding up and throwing down like a row of mistakingly stacked dominoes. i find it hard to breath with no purpose, and i fill my days with words and watered down promises, with empty hearted attempts to be that person. the person that would be stronger than this, that would stop fraying the edges, stop picking apart everything, stop being so self critical; and yet im all these things at once. i am a portion of my parents, without their keen knowledge, i am a fragment of my friends, without the bond and i am sure i am a part of everything ive absorbed along the way, but right now none of these pieces are meshing and im just a surge of continual energy.

i want nothing more then to understand my heart, and why it wont stop beating even though it is bursting apart in such pain these days. i want to know why i keep challenging what life has given me, like i think i know what is in my future better than anyone else. i want to know why you have me wrapped around you so tightely even though your millions of miles away. i just wish my heart was a house, full of people and i was sitting on the roof top, watching the stars. i cant look down from here, theres nothing keeping me afloat.

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 03:07:31 GMT

I believe in you, but I dont stand behind you, or beside you for that reason, I stand there because I am afraid you will walk away otherwise. You haven't given me a reason to believe you know, your just like God and UFOs and the tooth fairy, eventually we all grow up and realize none of that bullshit is true.

the ins and outs of love

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:46:18 GMT

I want to be yours so bad. I want to know that this distance isnt going to kill us, even though we both know you will fall in love out west. You will breathe a different air, you will see the beauty of unscathed landscape, you will discover your infinite potential and I know you will thrive. Never have I fallen in love with someone so similar to me, someone with whom I can sympathize, discover, challenge and fully embrace. And yet, your onion skin layers are peeling away these past months into a confusing cycle that makes me want to stomp my feet in frustration at times. I keep losing my heart to distance, I keep ending up alone and hurting so badly. At times I have wondered if it was worth opening my heart up to such uncertainties. I feel my heart getting weaker these days, I feel as though I cant take much more, after all- I am only human. I often think I have already reached the breaking point but your comfort visciously sends me back into believing this might work.
I look back at the things I wrote last year, at how much I loved you. At how much you impacted me, how greatly you inspired me and how wonderful you made my first year of college. I also look back and see how badly you hurt me, how negative our energies were and how broken we both became. Its as if our journey has been cut short- the pain and the joys and I just cant seem to rationalize the fact that you are the one leaving this time. I am sitting here, in YOUR CITY, and you aren't going to be here with me tomorrow morning. I dont get it.

For once I just wish that someone would love me and not run away. I have had that terrible lump in my throat for days now and I am just waiting for this all to sink in, I am waiting to explode. You made this city, these memories, this love for me, and I cant imagine stepping forward unafraid if you are gone. I am so incredibly proud of you for breaking free from all of this, I guess I just wish I was breaking free with you. With all my love for the future,
Michelle

boredoms curse

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 00:44:34 GMT

When I am bored, I get self destructive. I honestly think I like myself less, take worse care of myself and generally demonstrate self neglect when there isnt enough going on in my life; this is one of those times no doubt. What intensifies everything is the fact I was so busy and bursting with happiness just previous to my downwards crapshoot. Ottawa is so chaotic for me now that I have made it the conjunction in my sentence, it seems as though it doesnt belong for much longer than an "if" "and" or "but". Where is my happy place, seriously.

walter

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:21:04 GMT

Quite often I have this meticulous way of running over what I am about to say or do when I get excited, this is my way of avoiding a major screw up and ruining my hapiness. Unfortunately for me, this method is usually apt to overthinking, and I am so horrible at following through with my actions most of the time that my beforehand mapping is literally useless.
I told myself I would stand at the bus stop and forget about the fact my throat felt raw, that there were people watching me, that I was beginning to tingle and itch, that I would surely be supressing tears in just a few short minutes... I had shamelessly promised myself this was going to be my "it" moment, the moment I had laboured over so hard the last few nights in my mind, perfecting any possible loopholes, crisping every second so as to have control. I WAS WRONG. I was going to tell you I loved you, you know. I think you did know, I think you saw the words lifted above my head in some speach bubble like they've got in cartoons. I was going to tell you that I had seen a lot and learnt a lot by travelling the country with just myself, a bag and a playlist of ten songs. I wanted you to know that I had made it. That as crazy as it sounds that on this day you would be headed literally across the world and I would stay here, I needed you. That three years ago in Europe you took a piece of my adolescence and I am now a blossoming woman, giving away a part of my young adulthood. I was ready to risk your ex girlfriend, my school year boyfriend, my angst about relationships.
I didn't know how it would work, but for some reason it didn't make me nervous, you know, I think we just realized something incredible together and that overpowered all else. Maybe I got caught in the moment, but I cant forget your taste, I cant forget what it feels like to love someones soul, someones thoughts, to feel warm and proud walking beside someone- not in the trophy sort of way either, to just feel like a connected web of soul and spirit. You truly made me feel beautiful- and I struggle on the best of days to be comfortable in my own skin. The kind of comfortable where you can walk naked to the bathroom in the morning, brush your teeth and not worry about the toothpaste ring around your mouth as you come back to bed for one last cuddle. The kind of comfortable where your actions speak louder than your words, but at the best of times they can synchronize and create sparks.
I can't believe through everything I have felt, through all my semi-revelations, truck stops and picture after picture, that the country really took me by surprise. That I could feel so constantly overwhelmed with emotion, that there is a brilliance to travelling alone that I otherwise never noted.
And yet, if you hadnt sucked all the air from my lungs on the last day, in the swealtering july heat, the air that then filtered through your canals, giving new life to your words as I lifted your sunglasses to see eyes just like mine- welled up with tears, so powerfully telling our story- then maybe things would be different. And perhaps they would be just the same, or worse, or more awkward, or harder to bare, I dont doubt that it happened like it did to keep me hanging on. I am so awefully tired of having my heart broken, I just want to be happy in a comfortable way, but that is never the case for me. I keep attacking love with wreckless abandon, more focused on ideals and distant countries then certainty any day. I am feverish for you, and you scare me, and you can love me across oceans and continants because you have the kind of love I can really feel, the kind that pounds in my chest when the wind dies down, as we sail into August.
I am so far unsure about all of this, but you made my summer a totally different beautiful and exhilerating then I could have ever hoped for; I am longing for you.

new journal!

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 02:31:48 GMT

I have finally started writing again. to become my friend and check out my college adventures add me!
http://georgian-centen.livejournal.com/

xo

children do not like green peppers ...and other tales.

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 22:37:24 GMT

my coworkers rule.
they took me for lunch today.
we laughed a lot (well, I laugh-hacked... DAMN bronchitis!!!)
surprises from cool people are where its at.
our community (the emmissary's) had a meeting last night and I am positive we are living in a cult now (not that I didnt already figure that much)
i saw the movie marie antoinette and the lack of dialogue basically caused me to have an anurism, but i have decided to style my hair in m-a's style, she is so badass.
tonite I am volunteering at the highschool's dance. It is spy theme, I cannot wait to get my moves on, represent for all those Immaculata dances I failed to attend...hahaha

BC is groovy.
On friday we are going to the bar with some 40 year olds who have promised to instruct me in the art of line dancing, god we rule this town.

Looks like we are also going to be planting a garden in Kelowna in April, this entry is so scatter brained and random...

basically, the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round all the way through town. BOOMSHAKA!!!

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 00:49:12 GMT

Just so everyone knows, I made a new livejournal (I am only using it while I am away on Katimavik). I decided to do this so that my relatives and family would know what I was up to, but wouldnt be able to read all the stuff on this account. So if you want, you can add that account as well (I am keeping this one, but will not write in it until I am back in August probably!)

http://michelle_centen.livejournal.com

I got a new tattoo last night, it is fucking brilliant. I guess I'm in a pretty good mood right now, I just wish the weather was better! OH WELL...

xooo!

hi

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 20:25:54 GMT

So I spent the weekend in Toronto visiting my grandfather. I realized how amazingly blessed I am to have such a terrific family, and I seriously feel this way about every single one of my relatives: their some of the most terrific, kind hearted and giving people I've ever known. I came close to tears a few times over the course of my stay, and spent probably the most time I ever have in a hospital, but I would do it all over again- in fact I am dissapointed tremendously in the timing of this tragedy and how severely it will limit my time with my grandfather, but such is life.

Reminder: MY GOING AWAY PARTY!
where: Helenas house (36 second ave)
number: 7257319-me or 2954294-helena

This is the same day as Alyssas birthday, so the plan is that we will party here and then head over there for big festive times as a massive group. Even if you can only drop by for ten minutes, it would mean alot since this will be the last time I see most of you for the next nine months. As well EVERYONE SEND ME YOUR PHONE NUMBERS/ HOME ADRESSES (even if we dont talk often, it is nice to write letters when your far away).

Hope to hear from you all soon, and to see some of your pretty faces this weekend!

xox,
M.

haircuts

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 05:55:17 GMT

also! i would really appreciate opinions
i am getting my haircut today...
any thoughts on any of these possible options?

thanks!

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 07:40:33 GMT

update: just when everything seems too good to be true, it really IS too good to be true.

...my parents threw out my deathcab ticket by accident

it is 344am and i forgot the key to get into my house, brake ins suck?

ugh, im such an idiot in life.

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 19:16:14 GMT

sometimes, its all you need.
thanks!

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 22:59:30 GMT

dudes!

I can never find things to update about anymore. Life is good enough, but I am really feeling pretty useless, lets just say I sleep A LOT. A WHOLE FUCKING LOT.

I am pissed because my old work place just passed a vote where they are increasing pay quite a bit. With this increase I would have been making over 9$ an hour, and over 10$ sundays. They are also giving employees a lump sum of money because we didnt have a contract. Since I worked there for over two years, I should be recieving around 750$, they better pay me or hell will be raised. I always quit when the going gets good. POO!

In other news, I am getting my haircut hopefully sometime this week, should I go really short? I want something different, thoughts/suggestions? As well, I will be in Toronto Monday the 13th, so Emma I'm looking at you, FRIEND ME NOW PLEASE. I may come down earlier, but nothings set in stone yet.

Peters Halloween party is this friday, this should be fun, I don't have a costume, but I do have a pair of cowboy boots sitting in my closet and the great ability to be very lame :( HELP ME PEOPLE, SEND ME YOUR COSTUMES!

30 days to go!!!

xoxo, MICHELLE.

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 01:36:37 GMT

hi guys.

not much is new.
i am healing up nicely.
i really hate exboyfriends.
i hangout with dave every single day pretty much.
there are 39 days until i leave.

who wants to goto montreal in or around halloween with me? (between 26th-31st)???

also: HANGOUT WITH ME. i am so incredibly bored sans job.

xo, michelle.

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 15:35:29 GMT

i look like a sausage
i am back in ottawa monday night! hurray!
who wants to goto suicide girls burlesque on wednesday the 11th at barrymoores with me. 19+....

hello people! be my friends!

so nervous :( !!!

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:52:38 GMT

Hi!!!

I have been listening to a lot of Sigur Ros and Coldplay lately to keep myself at a certain level of calm. I am pretty much a nervous wreck for my surgery tomorrow. I am leaving at 330 this afternoon for Toronto and I will be in the hospital Wednesday from 7-1130am. I will be recovering etc in Toronto until Monday morning. Thankyou so much to everyone who has supported me with phonecalls and messages and helena especially for bringing over books I can read during my dreaded bed ridden days. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! Please, keep me in your thoughts.

ALSO, I WAS CRYING ALL FRIGGEN MORNING!!! I GOT MY KATIMAVIK PACKAGE TODAY. (dreams come true?)
My rotation is as follows:

Nov22-Feb21: Trois Pistoles, QC
Feb21-May23: 100 Mile House, BC
May23-Aug22: Timmins, ON

I am going to BC! This pretty much made my life worth living.

I am such a mess of emotions right now, but I've never felt closer to being whole. All the pieces seem to be falling into place one by one, wow...

See you on Monday,

Love, Michelle.

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 16:17:12 GMT

who wants to go see the suicide girls burlesque in montreal on october 14th?
what should i pierce? my septum or my nostril?
my dog got shaved today, he is all cute like a little prune
i really miss greece
party tonite!
two more days of work !!!

yay?

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Fri, 29 Sep 2006 01:04:08 GMT

sometimes i really dont like the way my dad is changing now that he is growing older. he is aquiring those less-then-desirable traits of older people. im frustrated because i really look up to him, im having trouble understanding alot of the things he's said and done lately. im constantly like what the fuck just happened? ugh.

my surgery is in six days. im starting to become really anxious, nervous and i constantly question how prepared i am to deal with the healing process, the pain and the way people are going to react to me afterwards. i will keep you posted on this, for those of you close to me- if you have questions dont hesistate to ask.

tomorrow was supposed to be my last day at work, but now they have given me two more shifts, so monday is my last day and im pretty much not too pleased with life.

i leave in 55 days.

etc etc etc.

* * *

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 16:28:29 GMT

my mom is making pancakes right now, YES!

last night was really great. i went to the bridgehead coffee shop staff party and drank like, 4 glasses of wine. it is funny being best friends with helena who has worked at both second cup and bridgehead and therefore i have come in full circle with these people i dont even work with... yes!? afterwards a bunch of us went to zaphods where we decided it was a cool idea to order a pitcher. and then it rained. and then we were all SO drunk. great night.

it is now officially my last five days of loblaws left. im soo excited to be out of that shithole. i already have another job at the roasted cherry until i leave in november. i have to work at 530 am, i hope i get used to this...ahhhh!!!

things are relatively well. eric lynch you are cute.

xox
michelle.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 01:02:19 GMT

there are about 2months left before my departure
i gave my two weeks notice at my job tonite, and i almost felt like crying
things seem so surreal lately
i need a job for 2 months with no heaving lifting/strenuous physical activity required. highly doubt i'll succeed, so i guess ill be doing a lot of bumming around until i leave
this is definitly the year of goodbyes.

ahhh.

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 05:49:38 GMT

things are so fucked up.
i love life

krystals was fun tonight,
so was peters
sometimes i think i need to get a grip, but really, its my last 2 months here

party til i vomit, yes!

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 20:46:43 GMT

This year, as many of you know, I was supposed to be attending Dawson College to study theatre. I would have had class on Wednesdays, much like today. I most likely would have been sitting in the atrium around noon eating lunch. I decided one week before school was to begin that I would not attend for personal reasons. Last night at dinner, I broke down telling my father how much I regretting not attending "If I could be anywhere,doing anything right now it would be at Dawson, studying theatre". Well, fate was on my side and I am so shaken up right now, I dont even know what to say. My father called me and my mother, brother, eric and helena. No one can believe how true it is that everything happens for a reason. Today, my life could have changed forever. Thank you whoever is looking out for me.

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